


So big/So small

by This_Ginger_Can_Not_Read



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Dear Evan Hansen References, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 02:07:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17356931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_Ginger_Can_Not_Read/pseuds/This_Ginger_Can_Not_Read
Summary: There were times Patton wished he could've done more while raising Virgil. He makes sure his son knows.





	So big/So small

Raising Virgil could be described by a lot of things, but easy wasn’t one of them. Patton wouldn’t trade his son for the world, but ever since his father left, Virgil just wasn’t the same happy little boy anymore. He’d been through too much and losing the love of his father. That’s something that he can’t come back from. Every Thursday Patton would take his son to therapy after he’d get out of school and the teenager seemed to be doing better. But there were some things that no amount of therapy could fix. At least, that’s how Virgil seemed to see his situation.

They’d been sitting at the table, after one of Virgil’s sessions. He was pushing around the food on his plate, waiting for Patton to say he could leave. But first, was the small talk that Virgil never wanted to participate in. Asking about his day. He couldn’t help it. He had to say what was on his mind. Because it had been there for a while now and he knew his dad would listen. 

Patton dropped his fork in shock, looking up at Virgil. His son, his baby boy, was currently sitting across the table from him, and had dropped a bomb on him. Something he’d never expected to hear from his darling kiddo. This had obviously been on his mind for some time and that’s why it broke Patton’s heart when he heard his son whisper across the table,

“I’m just a waste of space. That’s why dad left.” 

Patton stood suddenly, watching Virgil’s face fall and pale, like he hadn’t meant to say what he’d said. Which hurt. His son was hiding these kind of thoughts away from him and holding it in his heart, in his mind, thinking it was all his fault. Tears pool in Patton’s eyes, but he didn’t let them fall, instead he reached out for Virgil, watching how his son’s eyes darted from his teary face to his shaking hand before taking it in his pale one. 

Patton led Virgil over to the living room, sitting down on the large corner couch, pulling his son to sit next to him. He knew Virgil didn’t much like being touched so he gently gripped his hands in his own, looking up at Virgil, the greatest thing to ever come into his life. His throat tightened and his eyes stung with unshed tears as he realized his son didn’t know just how important he was. 

“Virgil, I’m going to tell you a story, okay? And I just want you to sit here and listen. Just… listen to the things I have to say. I promise it’ll be worth it.” Patton drew in a deep breath and looked down at their hands. “You were young, so you don’t really remember it, but I want you to know what happened when your father left.” Virgil’s eyes widened as his eyes darted across his dad’s face for a sign this was a joke but he only saw raw hurt across Patton’s features. 

“It was a February day.”

 

The divorce had been final for some time. Patton felt his heart aching in his chest everytime he thought about it, but today was the day that his husband- ex-husband- would be coming over to their once shared house to pick up the last of the boxes he needed. It was all packed and neatly stacked by the front door, taking up some of the foyer. 

Patton was leaning against the doorframe, hands shaking with emotions that he couldn’t truly hide. He’d told Virgil to stay up in his room, to watch some cartoons. Even left a plate of cookies up there for him. Anything so he wouldn’t come downstairs and see his father leaving without him. It would break his little heart and Patton didn’t think he could witness that without breaking down. 

It felt too real, seeing the Uhaul truck in driveway, Seeing the man he’d married, the man he shared his life with, the man he had a kid with, picking up his boxes and putting them in the back of the truck. Patton wanted to help him pack up, but there was too much hurt there for him to even try. He was shaking too much. He would’ve just gotten in the way. So he opted for standing in the doorway, making small talk with the friend that had come over to help Dee pack. He’d even gotten them drinks and snacks. But Patton forgot one thing and that was that Virgil’s window could see into the driveway. 

Little socked feet shyly walked down the stairs and hid behind the corner, watching his dads stand in the doorway, talking about something while a man Virgil didn’t know moved boxes. His bangs fell in his face and he pushed them back when he saw the Uhaul truck behind his father. He gasped, tiny and innocent, and Patton turned around in shock, seeing Virgil’s head sticking out around the wall. 

His eyes filled with tears when he saw his son, but he wasn’t looking at him, he was looking… at his father? Behind his father? Patton turned back to see the truck and felt his heart melt a bit. His son was excited to see the Uhaul truck. Dee turned too, confusion on his face, when it also seemed to click. “Come on kid,” He’d said, turning back to Virgil. “You can sit behind the wheel.” 

Virgil sat behind the wheel for a few minutes, while the three men got finished with the moving. The man Virgil didn’t know, he’d heard his father call the man Remy, had ruffled his hair and handed him his sunglasses. “There, like a real driver now.” Virgil had shyly smiled and hid behind his bangs. 

Patton picked his son up, holding him on his hip while he clung to his father’s shirt. He took a few steps back, watching Remy get into his side of the truck, and seeing his former other half walk towards the truck when he stopped and turned around. Patton had hoped he would’ve hugged his son goodbye, but he went inside to get his charger and then stepped back out, waving to the two. Virgil had waved back happily, smiling sweetly like the little boy he was, but Patton couldn’t tear his eyes away from the back of the U Haul. Watching them drive away was the second hardest moment of Patton’s life, and that was only because signing the divorce papers was number one. 

Walking back into the house, Patton sat Virgil down at the table, moving to the fridge to get leftovers from the night before, because Patton didn’t feel it in himself to cook that night. So reheating spaghetti was the best he could do when his heart had just been wrenched out of his chest and left with a man who didn’t love him anymore. Who didn’t love his son. Who left his son behind. Patton placed his hands on the kitchen counter and felt his vision go blurry, feeling the tears drip down his face and onto the counter, but he sniffled and wiped them away, shaking his head. He had to be strong for his son, who was currently eating spaghetti as messy as possible, with sauce all over his cheeks and his giant cheeks made bigger with the large amounts of food he tried to eat at once. He was only four. 

 

Virgil held Patton’s hands tightly, watching his dad cry in front of him had broken a wall he’d put up and he had his own tears sliding down his cheeks, the makeup under his eyes smudging disgustingly but those thoughts were too far away while he held tightly to his broken dad. “That house that we’d raised you in, that we’d lived in for years, suddenly felt too big.” Patton whispered, broken, and looked up at Virgil. “I suddenly felt so small, standing in that kitchen. Like I’d lost so much, but nothing hurt like knowing that you’d lost so much more.” 

Virgil hadn’t expected that and he cursed, which Patton allowed this once, and felt his bottom lip wobble as tears cascaded down his chin, dripping onto his jeans, blotting the skinny jeans. Patton let go of one of Virgil’s hands and gently ran his fingers through his son’s purple hair, hoping to ease some of the pain. 

“That night I tucked you into bed.” 

 

Patton had carried a drowsy Virgil up to his room, already wearing his ninja turtle pajamas. He’d placed him in his bed, pushed back his bangs, and kissed his forehead, a gentle press that lasted much longer than usual. He’d pulled back and walked to the door, ready to turn off the light to let the stars light up on his ceiling when he heard shuffling. 

 

“And I will  _ never _ forget how you sat up and said,” 

 

“Is there another truck coming to our driveway,” He’d asked, rubbing at his big eyes while staring at Patton. Patton opened his mouth to say no, that there wouldn’t be another truck, but couldn’t when he saw Virgil’s eyes glisten with tears and the four year old rubbed at them hard as big tears pushed down his chubby face. “A truck that will take daddy away?”  

Patton’s mouth was wide open as he stared at his son, only four years old, worried he’d be abandoned again because of what his father, what Dee had done. Patton suddenly felt like the entire world had crashed down on him and that he’d failed as a parent. He’d never be able to forget that feeling of hurt and regret and fear for his son. 

But Patton couldn’t just let his angel cry like that, so he walked over to his son’s bed and sat down on it, pulling Virgil into his chest and hugging him tight. “No baby, there’s not another truck coming. Your dad isn’t going anywhere.” And he fell asleep that night, with Virgil curled in his arms and tear tracks dry on his cheeks. 

 

“I knew,” Patton rasped out, throat thick with emotion. “That I wouldn’t be able to fill those gaps, that I’d miss some important moments, that I would come up short in a million different ways.” He brushed a hand over Virgil’s cheek, wiping away some of the tears. “And I did. I still do. I will probably continue to do so in the future. I’ll never be perfect.” And Patton gripped both of Virgil’s hands in his own once again. “But like that February day, I’ll squeeze you tightly and say, there’s not another truck coming to our driveway. Your dad isn’t going anywhere. I’m staying right here.” He looked Virgil in the eye and leaned forward, putting their foreheads together. “No matter what.” 

That was his breaking point. Virgil pulled his hands back and instead wrapped them around his father’s shoulders and hugged him tightly, crying into his chest just like he’d done all those years ago. And Patton cried too, into Virgil’s hair as he clung just as tightly to him. They stayed like that for a while. 

“Dad, you’ve always been more than enough for me.” Patton felt his breath catch and he laughed out a sob. “I’m glad kiddo. Everything I’ve ever done, I’ve done for you. I’ve always hoped it was enough.” 

There were times when the house would feel too big, but the two of them could sit together and watch Disney movies and push away the feeling because this was more than enough for them, not matter how small they felt. They would always be enough. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was 100% Dear Evan Hansen inspired.


End file.
